So now I'm ready to talk about adopting a child from Africa.  When we first went into this, my thoughts were gleaming through rose colored glasses, sort of a "we are the world, we are truly color-blind" kinda thing.  But a few months ago, I started reading the book, In Their Own Voice: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories.  This book blew my mind and I starting questioning whether or not I could handle transracial adoption.  Seriously.  Reading what it was like for black children growing up in in white families put a serious fog on my rose-colored glasses.  I felt so naiive.  How could I not realize that these things were going to come up?  Racism is real, very unfortunate, but very REAL.  I just don't know anything about it, not one thing, because I'm white.  How can a white person EVER understand racism?  We have never experienced it.  The closest thing I have to compare is being a female engineer, touted as the company's "female" they took a chance on hiring and parade around for all the factory tours.  That is nothing in comparison though.  


I decided that I would read as many books on transracial adoption that I can find (although books aren't going to teach me what I need to know, only draw my attention), and figure out how I will bring african american culture into our family so that our daughter and our sons, will feel at ease with their identities.  I don't want to take that from her, I'm already taking her from Africa.  And, in Africa, she wouldn't be experiencing racism as she will as an African-American.  I feel bad about putting this on her.  Real bad.  Racism just sucks.  

I kept questioning whether or not I was strong enough and bold enough to face racism, teach her how to respond to it, help her establish the self-confidence she will need, etc.  So.  Many.  Issues.  

Then, I went to Florida. on vacation  The second day I was there, we took an air boat ride with some of my friend's friends.  It was so much fun at first, and we were going to camp out that night, on this established camp they had set up for the guys to hunt and stuff.  We were there with maybe 3 guys, all of whom were really nice.  But then, this other group of guys came onto the island (the camp).  I suppose on weekends, it's kind of a free-for-all with this camp, whoever shows up, shows up and you all hang out by the fire, shoot the shit, whatever.  Well, one of the guys started telling really derogatory jokes about females.  Just nasty jokes.  I would crack one of my painful smiles, that is a half-smile that actually hurt my face to make.  After he went through all his stupid female jokes, he progressed to his lovely collection of "N" word jokes.  

(I should clarify, one of the guys was my friend's friend's husband and he brought the other 2 guys along for safety in case we got stuck in the mud, swamp, etc).  I reread this and realized it sounded like we were just hanging out with some random "nice guys." har har....

At the first mention of the word, I got up and went to the other side of the camp.  I sat there and sat there and sat there waiting on him to finish.  I sat there and sat there and sat there, waiting on someone else to get up.  I sat there and sat there and sat there waiting on someone to say "enough."  I sat there for 20 minutes, alone.  There were at least 15 people, sitting around the campfire, listening to this man of very little intelligence, telling extremely disgusting racist "N" word jokes.  My heart was beating out of my chest, my pulse was racing.  I wanted to go rip his tongue out and shove it in his ass.  I've never felt this way before.  I grew up in the south, and had sat by campfires just like this, listening to these kind of jokes before with little or no thought.  That's very embarrassing to admit, but true.  That night, I felt as if they were saying these things to me.  I felt like I was experiencing this as if I were black.  

After everyone finally got up, I went back to the fire by myself.  My friend and her friend came back, maybe 10 minutes later and apologized a hundred times.  I had been talking to my friend over the phone about this very thing in previous months, but after this happened, she said she didn't get that I was referring to racism.  She thought I was talking about physical differences, such as hair care, etc.  She hadn't even considered how our family would  now be transracial and facing racism.  Her and her friend knew I was going to be the mother of an African child and never made the connection during asshole's little joke fest.  

This is exactly why  white people can't understand racism.  When are white folks ever the butt of stupid racist jokes?  Do black folks sit around cracking disgustingly perverse jokes about whites?  I told my friend I was actually glad this happened, because it let me know that I can handle this.  I took that on like she was already here, my daughter, without even thinking.  I responded by being obviously offended, I protested (which was about as much as one could do, I think, out in the middle of an island surrounded by burly guys who probably had guns).  I think if the guys weren't so scary, I would've called him out on it in front of his friends.  It's not going to be easy, but I can't be afraid to face it.  Facing adversity brings true growth.  (obviously racist jokes are only one of the many many forms of racism, a more direct form, but nonetheless)....... 

My best friend from TN happens to be black.  I miss her like crazy. Since I'm no longer living there, I wonder what it must've been like for her to be in my wedding.  She was the only black person in the entire church and had to walk down the aisle.  What was that like?  Or, was it nothing?  Is that something you become "used" too?  When I was in Florida, I noticed a beautiful black couple, sipping blue wine coolers walking on the beach, and wondered what it felt like for them to be the only black folks within miles.  Then, I look around at all the white people and they seem so damn boring.  Whether white or black, we've all had our share of life's shit, but white folks are always given the benefit of the doubt before they even begin.  Can you imagine how much more challenging life would be, in general, if society held all these preconceived notions about who you were and what you stood for?

All that being said, I can't wait to meet our daughter.  Our homestudy is tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous.  Then we will wait some more, and some more, until December or as late as March to bring her home.  *sigh*  Her birth mother is probably pregnant with her right now.  Can you imagine what she is going through?  I wish there was something I could do to help her keep her baby.  I wish adoption didn't have to exist.  I wish there were better programs for struggling families, that we could keep families together by providing sustainable community programs and healthcare.  I wish for a lot.

 

To quote Mizz Mary E, Life is just so daily.

I'm in an amazingly sluggish funk.  I can't get inspired to create anything new.  I have ideas but they're stuck in my head and I lack the motivation to get them out there.  As pathetic as it sounds, I'm blaming it on the copycats.  Now that I know there's nothing one can do unless one has muchos $$$ required to defend a copyright, it puts me in another place with my business.  

I have so much I'm working on and that ,too, contributes to my slack ass-ed-ness.  Taxes for 2 businesses is not fun.  Adoption paperwork is not fun.  I'm working 2 full weeks in April for my ergonomics business and have to update so much stuff, as I haven't taught these classes in nearly a year.  

But here I sit, writing in yet another journal.  I am so good at procrastination.  

I'm trying to get my brother to run the portland marathon with me in october and he wants me to come down to san diego this summer to do a half-marathon.  aye.  

This is quite the glum first post, but we had such a packed weekend and I'm exhausted.  Mondays are always overwhelming for me.  I had to go to this fru-fru PTA auction on saturday night for my oldest son's school.  Like an idiot, I admitted to knowing how to sew and thus, was put on the big auction project last fall.  I made all these patchwork pillows (wanted to get rid of insane pile of scraps), that had a circus theme going on and lots of primary color, and also I made 7 plush circus animals!  Those were pretty darn cute (but very goofy) and I forgot to take a photo.  We put all this stuff with a kid's playtent that was embellished with circus animal stencils that the kindergarten class made.  I cut out all the stencils and worked with the kindergarteners one day to paint them.  They turned out cute.  The sad thing was, at the auction, this whole ensemble went for a measly $500!  I was disappointed.  Whoever won that, got a deal.  The lady who embellished the tent did an amazing job, and also made these hand-painted shelves to go with.  

I did manage to squeeze in happy hour with my girlfriends on friday.  We ate this amazing dinner and the weather was awesome, perfect.  Then we finished it off at pix, which is this cool desert place that has wine and even a beer float!  Then we walked up and down alberta street.  It was awesome catching up with them.

I'm rambling and procrastinating my run.  Monday, monday...dah dah, dah dah dah dah